That’s right. That’s what I said. I put this darned Christmas tree task off until yesterday. I would have ignored it completely except Jeff insisted we not forgo Christmas.
It’s a problem I have with Christmas trees. They are such work! I can’t enjoy a simple tree. It must be perfect. Perfect balance of color and shapes, perfect symmetry, perfect splash of color, perfect mix of nostalgic feel and modern style.
Four years ago we broke down and bought a tree that is proportional to our living room. It is 12 feet tall and towering and wide. It was really expensive. Of course, I had to upgrade all of the ornaments so the old ones wouldn’t look goofy in this giant tree. In an effort to simplify our life, we got this tree with prestrung lights. In order to get the tree to fit in the room properly I have to move my living room furniture out of balance and out of the way to where they are all cramped up and goofy looking. And you have to climb ladders to get to the upper part of the christmas tree and it is very difficult to keep ornaments in proportion with this greater space.
So two years ago, I started cringing just thinking of putting the tree up. Last year I waited until 10 days before Christmas and then developed a pretty good case of hives while dealing with this giant tree in my unbalanced living room.
This year, I waited until December 21. I asked Jeff last week if I could just buy a nice little simple two foot high tree that could sit unobtrusively in the corner and would take only 10 minutes to decorate. Nothing doing.
We compromised. Jeff took the two top levels of this four level Christmas giant tree and we now have a reasonable six foot high tree that is able to sit in one corner of the living room without me having to move a single piece of furniture out of place! What a marvel! What a miracle.
We lost the screws in the tree stand, so the tree randomly slides about 10 degrees to the west. I guess it is looking for the sun or something.
So we discovered immediately that the prelit lights no longer work on 50% of the tree. (who was the imbecile who created this thing called pre-lit trees anyway?) We had nothing but the net-looking lights that you drape over bushes in exterior lighting. Before we could get them on, Jazzy, our black cat, promptly and very stealthily climbed up the center of the tree to nearly the top. We enfolded our tree with netting lighting, and I assigned Justin and Chance the complex job of pushing the net in as far as possible and pulling the tree sprigs out in an effort to hide as much of the green wire as possible. In doing so, we neatly trapped Jazzy inside.
Which reminds me. Just last week I was confessing my Christmas tree anal tendencies with Amy at work and she doubted it would be possible for me to change my ways. So, as I was trying to pry Jazzy from the tree, I decided to modify my immediate short term goal, challenge myself and attempt to create a ghastly, gaudy, gauche, garish tree.
This was more easy than I thought! I had one white net tree light group, I had one colored net tree light group. So the top of the tree got the colored lights and the bottom the white. The imbalanced color is sure to impress ugly experts everywhere. Meanwhile, Justin and Quinn got distracted by their net-corner poking and laid under the tree to videotape Jazzy, who had climbed back up and was hunting down her birds of prey, literally, on the tree and whacking the feathers on the tails (I have birds from the 12 days of Christmas theme in organized-Christmas tree times gone by). One of the two turtle doves has a serious, potentially life-threatening injury now. But he is still staying on the butt ugly tree.
I went all out. I mixed the burgundy/gold glittered poinsettas next to the big Lord-a-leapin. I clustered not two, but three gold balls all near each other on the same level on the same side of the tree! I even had the audacity to overlap a bird with a poinsetta with virtually no space in between. I took only two clusters of cranberry garlands and tossed them haphazardly only on one side of the tree. The angel wouldn’t fit and didn’t seem appropriate for the them of my butt-ugly tree, so we topped it with Jeff’s Santa hat from work.
Proof. That I can create a less than perfect tree. Now I must deal with the fact that I cannot be in this room with this tree for longer than 20 seconds without going into an acute anxiety attack. But that is a problem for another day, isn’t it?